To My Unborn Child

To My Unborn Child
Free-writing. Journal Entry Topic: Write a letter to someone who is no longer in your life.

I never imagined I’d feel a greater heartbreak than any heartbreak I’ve felt before, until.. you. When I found out that you were growing inside of me, my entire body was repeatedly flushed with emotions. I was terrified, and then nervous, and then excited. I secretly jumped too far into the future and had a whole list of names for you. I never had the chance to find out if you would be Madden Reign’s brother or sister, but I had a name waiting to match your face. I never thought that the day I’d meet you, you wouldn’t be meeting me. The day my eyes met yours, the bathtub did too, and so did all the parts in my body that would adhere to pain. You pushed through like a storm and I was strong enough to withstand it alone. You flushed my mind with emotions. You no longer felt what I felt. We were no longer “one”. That was the longest Sunday I had ever known. I went to see a doctor and we looked for you inside me, although I already knew you weren’t there. The doctor searched and searched and I could no longer watch. I winced at the pain from both my stomach and my heart. I sat for hours on a hospital bed in the middle of an Emergency Room, and I only thought of you. I never felt so alone. Sometimes we hear about things happening to people and we often think that it would never happen to us. I never would’ve thought that I’d lose you. In the world that I live in, you never existed. Losing you was a big part of my life being in turmoil. I almost forgot how to love. I sometimes find myself second guessing my existence. If it weren’t for your brother, I might have lost myself completely, the way I lost you. I don’t know how to bring you up in a conversation, but you are so worth mentioning. You have been the secret that was hardest to keep. You deserve so much more. I want you to know that I often think of you. Although we never had the chance to formally meet, I feel you in my dreams. I try not to blame myself for losing you. Your brother did a lot of damage inside my tummy during his growth and it was not entirely ready for you. I will admit, I am not entirely sure I was ready for you either. For that, I am truly sorry. I often wonder how much you would have grown if our timeline was mutual. Perhaps maybe when we are both ready, you will come again, and we will make it right. Maybe someday we will lock eyes and our hearts will beat in tandem.

Yours truly,

Mommy

P.S. I have a lot more to say, but no words would do my broken heart any justice. Until next time, angel.

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