How do you survive being in love with someone who disregards your flaws?
Not that he accepts it
He just acts like it isn’t there
He pushes you to do things you are uncomfortable doing
He doesn’t care about your wrists
He wants to see you succeed
So he pushes you
He pushes you to overcome your over-dramatic meltdown before attending a crowd
He pushes you to open up to him even when your heart and throat are both swollen from opening up
He pushes you to speak when you are spoken to even when there is nothing left to say
He pushes you to lock eyes with others because he is comfortable so you should be too
He pushes you to listen better, so his shouts can be heard
He pushes you to be all that you could be, but aren’t
Because he disregards
How do you survive?
Know and retain awareness of your true divine identity while living in the very convincing appearance of divisible form. So long as you are embodied, you must live and act within this apparent duality. If you retain the awareness of who you really are, there is nothing in this dark pond that can touch or affect you. The truth is that even this ocean of darkness is our own production, and when the truth is known, one learns how to live as a pure and beautiful lotus- even while living in this murky pond.
I’ve read somewhere that people with anxiety are assholes.
I’ve suffered with anxiety for years. All those years, I felt like it was fake because I diagnosed myself. It wasn’t until meeting a counselor for the first time at 18 years old that I realized I’ve lived with anxiety for half of my living life at that point. When my counselor told me I had PTSD, I almost felt shocked to hear the news. First I have anxiety, then I have to deal with all the stages of grief, then I have to try to find a way to not react to a trigger that has been my very own trigger FOR HALF OF MY LIVING LIFE!
Even though people don’t know who I am, or what I have gone through, or what I am currently dealing with, I feel as though it is written all over my face. When I see faces, strangers or not, I can’t help but to seem bashful, or rather uninterested. I don’t know how to make conversation. What am I supposed to talk about? How absolutely freaking lost I am in this world? How I don’t understand who I am or what I am meant to do with my life? I hate being asked how I am doing, or what I plan on doing with my life, or literally anything that has to do with me or with life. I TRULY DON’T FREAKING KNOW! I don’t mean to be an asshole. I don’t even realize that I am being an asshole. I don’t really know how to be with people. It has been 2 years since my last meeting with my counselor and I haven’t even accomplished passing the first stage of grief! How the hell am I supposed to be expected to be INTERESTED and OUTGOING and JUST THE MOST FUN, AMAZING, ENERGETIC person you know?! I don’t know..
What the hell do I even know?
You are an emotional wreck. It isn’t a dream. By now, you’ve survived the longest, most embarrassing, and most traumatic part of your first 20 years of life. You’ve been standing strong since you were 9 years old. In the next four years of your life, you’ll learn that it gets better. Then worse. Then better. Then worse. It is a never-ending cycle. You are thinking that physical abuse is a million times worse than emotional abuse. It isn’t. You’ll learn that they have the same exact effect in your mental state. The person you fear the most will become scarier, but don’t worry, he will remain further than ever. You will think you’ve fallen in love, but don’t be fooled. These men will only teach you about emotional abuse. Although they won’t be physical with you, they know just how to get to your brain.. and your heart. It will hurt deeply, but you will get through it. Sometimes you will want to break down and that is perfectly fine. Don’t worry, nobody is watching. Nobody cares to know that you’ve cried yourself to sleep. Nobody sees the pain you wear every single day. Don’t be ashamed of being hurt. Embrace it. You wake up every single day with a broken heart and you walk around with nightmares on your mind. It is okay. It will get better, like I said. It may get worse, but it will get better again. You’ll continue this cycle until you decide you are done. Your never-ending cycle of pain and heartache will end when you decide it will end. Always remember, wherever your life takes you is wherever you decide to go. – “Wherever you go, there you are.”
Your 20-Year-Old Self
Free-writing. Journal Entry Topic: Write a poem about endings.
Now sleeps the stars, the light of the sky
Vanish do the crickets from the ear and the sight
Absent is the silence by the breeze of the trees
Abandoned are the sheep that the sleeper frees
Asleep goes the moon tucked in light of the sky
A goodnight kiss from the sun’s “goodbye”
Unseen are the owls- unheard are their hoots
Now sleeps the night that makes the whole world mute
Sunrise eats the night’s darkness whole
Rejuvenated becomes the morning soul
A new day approaches the mind of the sleeper
The bird’s song defines the morning’s peacekeeper
The sun polishes the sky as life’s natural light
Clear are the clouds from the mountaintop height
The sleeper wakes up as he knows he’ll be tending
to a new day that started by the root of his ending.
When we first met, you knew I viewed the ocean as such a vast and frightful thing. I’d look into it and feel chills down my spine. The thought of endless life among me was terrifying. It didn’t take a long time for that perspective to deteriorate. When my thoughts linger to the possibility of endless life the only chills I find are when I look to you. The chills I feel are chills I’d take to my grave. I’d rather be six feet under the ocean blue, than to look at you in an ending life. I thought I was starting into life with deep blue in my eyes, but I glanced at you and life was still in sight. It amazes me how I feel this way after such a short amount of time, but it doesn’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine.
February 23, 2016
When our fire started to die, I thought I would too.. But you’ve built me up to bring me down, and in leaving me, you forced me to my limits that nobody else could have done. You allowed me to finally love myself and to stop draining useless love into you, and as a result..
You allowed me to embark on a journey alone..
You unknowingly taught me how to love harder than I did before.
December 6, 2015