Adrianne Jayde1 Comment

Part 2: My Emotions During Pregnancy

Pregnancy is wild. It’s one of those things that “you just have to experience yourself”. Mine was far from what I wanted it to be. I didn’t plan my pregnancy, I initially didn’t want it, and I most definitely didn’t know how to deal with it.

Before becoming pregnant, I was at a crossroad in my relationship; I dove into it quicker than I was ready for it. I convinced myself that this guy wasn’t just a distraction. I moved to Hawaii a month before meeting my new boyfriend and only three months before conceiving. I remember that we argued substantially in the short month we were together, and we were ready to throw in the towel. I didn’t plan on staying in Hawaii for more than a year, nor did I plan on spending much of my time with anybody. There was one day that we talked for hours about the demise of our short relationship, and what the next steps would be for us in the case of having a child together. We already had a feeling, and when our feeling was confirmed, we knew that we would have to be strong for each other. We pushed through our differences and began to settle.

Before coming to terms with my pregnancy, I fell into a depressive state. I’ve suffered with depression throughout the years, but nothing like that. More than ever, I felt alone. I didn’t have a support system since the beginning. I was too in denial to announce my pregnancy. Admittedly, I was embarrassed. I was ashamed that I had only announced my relationship with Joshua a month prior to becoming pregnant. I was ashamed that I had nothing to offer my new growing child. I was ashamed that I didn’t get the chance to do what I desired as a young adult. I was only 19.

There was an immense amount of tension in my home before my pregnancy was 100% present to my family. For unknown reasons, my stepfather was holding a grudge against me. We were always so close, but for some reason, we became distant. We could be in the same room for an entire day and not exchange a word. It hurt deeply for me to harbor the big news, but he was already angry with me. My mother and sisters knew of my pregnancy, but they knew not to speak about it. I wasn’t ready to announce it. I wanted to know for certain that there was a baby growing inside of me, so I waited for that day. Internally excited about it, I told some family members whom I felt I could trust. That only initiated tension from an ocean away. The word got around and then everybody knew, awaiting my confirmation. The reason I prolonged my pregnancy announcement was behind a silly dilemma I held myself in. Being a military dependent, I didn’t have the authority to schedule my own appointments. I suppose the clinic was under the impression that I was still 14 years old. It was a long process to pass. With everyone anxious to know the truth, I grew more anxious and depressed. I felt stuck.

At the end of my second trimester, I was finally able to relieve myself from the big secret.  Still, I had no support. My family didn’t support my new journey as I wanted them to, but I didn’t beg for their support either. The news was out, the “congratulations” was here and there, and that was the end of it. On Joshua’s side, it was a completely different show.

The news for Joshua’s family wasn’t exciting to them at first, but with the amount of love they held, it eventually grew on them. He told me that when he finally revealed the secret to his mother, she cried. When hearing that, my stomach turned for hours; I was ashamed and apologetic. Eventually, I could tell that his family absolutely loved him and everything he came with. Coming from what I was used to, I didn’t know how to handle such a large crowd of people and support. At our baby shower (thrown by his family), I felt no part of it. I was there for the measuring of my belly, and that was about it. I knew about 10 people. I felt secluded and overwhelmed. During my entire pregnancy, every family gathering or event that took place left me in shambles. I felt like the elephant in the room, even if I was probably irrelevant to everybody around me. I wasn’t myself anymore. Even then, Joshua and I remained a force.

When I told my closest friends the news, a couple of them congratulated me, and the rest completely shut me out. It blew my mind how a blessing to me was a curse to them. Again, I didn’t know how to handle it. I stopped talking to people altogether and I lost all my people skills. I harbored so much stress and anxiety throughout my pregnancy that it started to show in my child. From week 26 to week 39, my depression grew entirely. I couldn’t eat the way you would think a pregnant woman should. I was told at every single ultrasound and monitoring appointment that I needed to eat more. My baby wasn’t growing the way he should’ve been, so I had to EAT MORE. “Eat burgers and fries and drink milkshakes and just keep eating.” I wasn’t starving myself. I didn’t have the appetite nor the energy. Eating felt like a chore. I was DEPRESSED.

I didn’t talk to people for a long time, almost my whole pregnancy. I didn’t know how to speak properly. I didn’t know how to speak about myself or what I was going through. I didn’t even speak at my doctors appointments; everything was a nod, yes or no. I barely spoke to the eight people who lived under the same roof that I lived under. I lost myself completely while transitioning into motherhood. I became so ostracized that I was submissive in every situation. I didn’t feel like an existing person anymore.

Mother’s Day

Adrianne Jayde

Part 1: My Pregnancy Experience

Before diving into motherhood, I only remember NOT wanting to be a mother. I always had other plans. I had goals and dreams waiting to be fulfilled.

February 2016. That’s when I found out that my life would be changed forever. I was sleepy all the time. I was hungry, but I wasn’t, but I was, but I wasn’t. My hormones jumped all over the place. I loved life one minute and I hated it the next. I wasn’t myself.

Mother Nature’s gift to me arrived on the same day of every month for years. The 14th. Except in March, I was left with nothing. A part of me was excited, but the majority of me panicked. It was a feeling I never experienced before. Who was I? I never wanted a child. I never imagined myself being a mother. I couldn’t bring a child into this world if I had nothing to offer.

When I had a feeling I was pregnant, I bought a whole pack of pregnancy tests. Not just one. Multiple. And in the first second that my pee hit the stick, the positive sign showed up. It didn’t even give me the time to analyze what I was doing exactly. “Let’s cut to the chase.. YOU’RE HAVING A BABY!” I screamed in silence. I didn’t know whether it was a happy scream or a ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?!’ scream. I took about 7 more tests and basically relived the same scream over and over again. I was most definitely pregnant.. but I stayed in denial.

Weeks after the home pregnancy tests, April 2016, I went to a clinic to get a physical required for a job I was processing. At that point, I convinced myself that I was excited for the new chapter in my life. Curious about the workload, I asked a nurse if I’d be able to pick up the job while being pregnant. She asked if I had seen an OBGYN and I said no. I didn’t go to the doctor to confirm my pregnancy, so she arranged a blood test.

About 30 minutes to an hour went by and I went back to see the nurse. She gave me her condolences and explained to me that the blood test came back negative for pregnancy. I was shocked, hurt, and confused. I walked away holding back my tears. I consoled in my mother as I left the clinic, and it was the first time I had even mentioned being pregnant. I told her that I was sure I was having a baby, but the clinic denied it. She didn’t say much.

Weeks after the clinic pregnancy test, my belly grew. I was tired. I had no energy. I had no appetite. I was drained. Eventually, I felt a fluttery feeling in my belly, but I told myself it was “just gas”. I knew I was pregnant, but I didn’t know I was pregnant. I was so in denial after the clinic’s results. Truthfully, I didn’t want to go back to see a doctor. I finally wanted to have that baby and I was scared they would tell me the same thing twice. I was wrong for waiting so long, but I finally went back. After filling out a pile of papers, a nurse called my name. We did the normal checkup routine and I answered some questions. For a second time, I went back to the lab to get my blood drawn, and then I waited. Only this time around, I got a “congratulations!” I was relieved of my denial. I received my first prenatal care at 25 weeks pregnant. Yes, TWENTY-FIVE WEEKS!

In the whole 25 weeks of pregnancy, I was lonely. I had Joshua by my side and that was it. As I didn’t fully transition into adulthood, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t know how to be pregnant. I didn’t know how to schedule doctor’s appointments. I didn’t get advice. I just simply didn’t know. I didn’t tell anyone (important) in those 25 weeks that I was pregnant because I was waiting for a confirmation. I was waiting to finally get an ultrasound or to hear a heart beat before letting the news out. Although a few people knew, I was afraid to share it.

During my first ultrasound, July 2016, the technician asked me a lot of questions about the beginning of my pregnancy, and then she was silent for a while. Just as I felt great relief that I was finally seeing my baby, I felt another weight on my shoulders. She gave me a vibe that told me I should be worried. She then said that she was going to get her own boss to take a look at my baby himself. He told me that my baby was growing short of his gestational age, and that I’d have to return back to the clinic weekly for ultrasound checkups. That was the first ultrasound of thousands. Although most expecting mothers would love to see their baby weekly, it was a bit heartbreaking for me. I had to go to the clinic twice and sometimes three times a week from 25 weeks until 38 weeks. I felt depressed. I was having ultrasounds so often for my baby to be monitored, I was filled with worry. My son wasn’t growing fast enough, so at 39 weeks pregnant, I met my induction day.

The morning of my 39th week, October 26, I ate toast with butter and a handful of grapes. Joshua and I packed our bags. I was ready for my induction day.

When we finally got checked into our delivery room, we jumped right into the induction. I didn’t quite gather my thoughts or emotions before everything happened. One minute I was joking and conversing with Joshua, and the next, pain. I remember laying on my bed in complete silence while people started filling the room. Admittedly, I didn’t want anybody to know where I would be delivering my son. I didn’t want anybody to be with me but Joshua. His family poured in, then my mom and sisters arrived. Or whatever order they came in. I don’t remember entirely what they were all doing in the room, but eventually, I didn’t care. I was in pain and I tried not to show it, so I stayed quiet. I always imagined I’d turn into Godzilla on the delivery bed. I was the opposite of that.

I felt contractions as soon as ten minutes into getting on the delivery bed, so at about 13 hours into it, I was out of my mind. At 8 cm dilated, I decided to get an epidural. More time passed by, and finally, nurses and doctors started coming into the room. A young man came in and introduced himself, explaining that he’ll be delivering my baby. He didn’t mention that he was in training, but I was alarmed when I overheard him asking THE NURSE what the procedures were in delivering. I silently panicked.

At 2:45 a.m., even with an epidural, I felt the pressure of my contractions. Finally 10 cm dilated, I got the “go” to start pushing. I remember unfamiliar faces surrounding me, cheering me on. Joshua was holding my left leg up. He was the only face I wanted to see. Two pushes in, his entire expression changed. I felt pressure, and then it was gone.

2:54 a.m. Everybody cheered. My baby was finally here. And Joshua’s face? He witnessed our son fly into the doctor’s hand.

October 27. I finally got to hold my little human being, Madden Reign.

Almost two years later, I can’t imagine not being a mother. It was almost hard for me to recollect my thoughts and feelings pre-motherhood.

–

Before diving into motherhood, I thought that I had goals and dreams to be fulfilled, but..

I’ve learned that my son had chosen the best path for me. He taught me how to love and he taught how love should feel. It wasn’t easy for me to fast forward into a new chapter in my life, but with my Madden Reign, everything became possible. I’ve learned how to give without needing to take. I’ve learned how to make sacrifices. I’ve learned that loving myself was just as important as loving my newborn baby. I regained my confidence in the value of my life and my health. Becoming a mother has proven to be a medicine for my personal hardships. Because of my son, I have a better understanding of why we celebrate Mother’s Day. Being a mother is the most rewarding thing you could be.

Unhealthy Relationships: The Collection

Adrianne JaydeLeave a comment

Between 2014 and 2015, I endured so much pain through my relationships. I always felt like a problem in someone’s life, especially the person I fell in love with. I would move mountains for a person who wouldn’t do the same for me. When I loved, I loved hard; and when loving became hard, that’s when I felt it was real. Because of the existing habit to persist, my life slowly dwindled. For the following years, I couldn’t discard the feeling. I had lost everything for nothing. My emotions encouraged me to become an advocate for those who felt the same way. In 2017, I went to social media to find others who could empathize. I conducted interviews with several people, and the answers had me stunned. I couldn’t believe that there were so many people from different walks of life, who once walked down the same path.

 

These are their stories:

“The Fair”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: She wouldn’t respect my emotions and was emotionally abusive at times.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: Yes, I was thinking more so that my gut instincts were wrong. And love was something to work for.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: It made me want to harm anyone who I felt like was hitting on her. [There was] jealousy because she likes attention.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: Your own happiness and growth is important and should be prioritized first. And if someone doesn’t care about you, let them go.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A: If you both want it to work then you really have to understand each other and take the time to figure out if the relationship is fixable or if it’s better to go your separate ways. And if it’s meant to work out it will work itself out with effort.

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: The relationship had two lifetimes. We talked in high school for like 10 months, then in college for 1 year and a half.

“Curbside Violet”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: I didn’t realize the first signs until everyday I would wake up and ask myself, “what could possibly happen today, what’s the first fight going to be about? What am I going to do wrong?” I didn’t think anything of it at first until I started getting anxiety and getting worried about why we weren’t arguing or fighting about something pointless. It just became a habit.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: I didn’t think about myself overthinking during the whole relationship. I would wonder what’s going to go wrong next, because it all happened so quickly. And I used work as a distraction. I got myself working 55-60 hours a week to avoid being home and dealing with it since we lived together. Now it’s affecting me a lot and my current relationships. I realized how much I let go over my head and I’m trying to do the opposite which could be considered as as unhealthy habit developing.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: The relationship didn’t make me feel like I was harming myself at the moment, it all felt difficult but that’s what I always imagined a relationship being like so I didn’t look or think about anything past that. Now that I am out of it, I feel very damaged; I’m still trying to fix my emotions and insecurities over it.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: I learned that no matter what at the end of the day, you need to make yourself happy and worry about yourself. No one is ever worth sacrificing your freedom for, and if they are then it shouldn’t feel any different. I learned to never rush into it and take your time because you never really know someone so be aware enough of what they might be like if you’re around them 24/7. I learned to surround yourself [with] people who you want to be like and not what you look down upon. Most importantly, look at someone’s parents with a little more attention because often times they reflect who you’re seeing. If you’re dating someone whose parents and siblings are drug addicts, you’re probably dating a drug addict.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A:  It’s hard to think about yourself first in an unhealthy/abusive relationship, but at the end of the day you come first. You can’t always fix someone, but you can fix yourself after they broke you.

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: It lasted 8 months. We lived with each other because I was pressured into moving in and was forced into building a home.

“Rural King”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: He started to grab my arms when he would get mad. At first I didn’t think much of it and then it started leaving bruises and he would yell in my face. He would also text me and if I didn’t answer in like 3-5 mins he would call me a million times and drive by the school to make sure I wasn’t lying about being at cheer or soccer practice.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: All the time. He was my first everything and my family loved him. He was a totally different person around them.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: No. Never.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: I learned that I don’t deserve to be treated that way, no one does. And that just because he was my first love, didn’t mean he was going to be my last. I can also read men a lot better.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A: Trying to salvage something with someone who doesn’t care enough to treat you right will never be worth it. “I love you” doesn’t mean anything if they don’t prove it.

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: 6.5 years.

“Scenic Drive”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: The constant arguing. It turned sour so quick. Partly my fault for the fights, but I just got so frustrated.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: I didn’t realize it was unhealthy until a couple of days ago to be completely honest. I was so caught up in trying to fix things that I didn’t realize it was so toxic. I didn’t see what it was doing to me; what it did to me.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: I never really had thoughts like that during the relationship. It was more after. I was devastated and tired of feeling broken, but I snapped out of that shit so quick.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: You can’t force things that life is suppose to nurture. You can’t force maturity, you can’t force someone to make you a priority, and you can’t force someone to change things that they’ve been doing for years. All of that has to come from them, with their willingness. And I guess that you shouldn’t lose yourself completely in someone because once they’re gone it’s so much harder to pick up the pieces also that it’s okay to put yourself before other people sometimes.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A: I believe in soulmates or at least I used to. I guess I can say I believe in love now because I see it all around me. So it would be if you really love the person try to make it work. Don’t half ass it but don’t keep watering a plant that’s dead, for the sake of your own sanity and for the sake of your best interests. Because feeling broken is the worst. Realize when it’s time to let go.

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: It lasted 6 months. It would’ve lasted longer but I was never met halfway for fixing things.

“Burger King”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: The way he would verbally abuse me, make any excuse to get into an argument, make any excuse to get into an argument, my family being distant because of him, and the girl list goes on.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: Always, which is why I stayed in the relationship. I always felt like it was myself who did something wrong so that’s why I always oversaw everything.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: No.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: To not blame myself for others’ actions, to always listen to your gut instincts, and if your own family/friends see what we’re blinded to see because of this thing called ‘love’ to always take it into consideration because I hate to admit it but my parents/grandparents warned me.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A: Honestly I feel like no matter what advice you give somebody who is in an unhealthy relationship, they won’t listen until they’re ready to open their eyes and are fed up with their situation. I’m saying this because I myself was like that and because I’ve tried giving advice to friends and I see myself innocently blinded and doubting that they may be right.

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: 6 years.

“Bremerton”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: Gas lighting and manipulation.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: No.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: I learned that if they think you’re cheating on them, they’re the ones who really are doing the cheating. I learned that playing victim is part of their manipulation to make you feel like you’re the bad person. In all ways possible, they feed off of the power they have over you.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A: Know your worth.

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: 1 year.

“Ghost”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: You feel alone and you only have that person to lift you up. You don’t want to talk to your friends or family. You change the aspect of what your ideal relationship is to fit your current situation. You start making excuses to justify everything they’re doing. They just make it very clear they have your back like no one else. They want to be a part of evrything your doing. They want constant contact all the time.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: No. There is fine line between right and wrong. There was a time of denial, but the whole time I knew it wasn’t right.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: Self-harm was a thought but it didn’t match who I was. Harming others was never a thought of mine.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: Self-worth. Self-love. And the confidence to understand what I have to offer and being real with what I deserve in a partner. It gave me an idea of things I want in a person that I will not take anything less.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A: Ask yourself, “do you see them changing into the person you would want to marry? Would you want your kids looking at this person thinking that is what ‘love’ looks like?” Love yourself enough to know you are good enough. Love yourself enough to know when to call it quits. Learn what self-worth means.

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: 2 years.

“There’s Your Trouble”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: I ignored the signs because I loved him and didn’t want to lose him but once my best friend sat me down and laid it on me, looking back the signs were physical and verbal abuse and cheating.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: Yes, I fully convinced myself that it was normal and that I just needed to be a better girlfriend.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: No.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: That I am a better person than he made me feel. I deserve someone who is going to go all the way for me as I do for them. I should never let someone make me hate myself.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A: Leave. Don’t hurt yourself even more by staying and trying to change them because they won’t change. Know that you are worth more than than they make you believe. Tell someone you’re close with, don’t be scared or embarrassed. It happens, so get someone to help you through leaving. Don’t be afraid to start all over because in the end it’s worth it, when you finally find that person who worships the ground you walk on.

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: 1 year.

“Corn Dogs”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: Aggression. He started to get mad about everything I did. He would ignore me every time I talked and then he started to make fun of me for all my insecurities I talked to him about.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: Yeah I thought I wasn’t doing things right. I would make myself think this was normal.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: Yes. Still, to this day I have a hard time dealing with self-harm.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: Follow your instincts. Listen to the people who love you and never let anyone talk or treat you in anyway that makes you feel less of yourself. Stand up, have a voice.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A: Talk about it, don’t keep it bottled up. Discuss it with them and if you need to talk to other people. If need be, you are your own person and you can leave no matter what they have told you. There is a way, it may be hard but there is a way

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: It lasted for about 10 months.

“How Will I Know?”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: The lack of trust that came out of nowhere it seemed and then the lack of communication. Also when you seem to be putting in everything you had to maintain the relationship, but they seemed to focus on everything else wrong, as if it didn’t matter to them. So it was like I was giving 100% to their maybe 10%.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: All the time. Like maybe it was me that was overthinking the problems or the cause of the unhealthy relationship and that sucks.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: I was an angry person every day. Unless we did something and was good, I’d lash out at others just because I was pissed at her.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: Just because you want something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. It really gets unhealthy for the person putting in all the effort and you always have to remember that if you try to make sure you are good enough for someone all the time you’ll forget to make sure that they’re good enough for you too.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A: Never settle but never miss out on an opportunity just because of your past. You never know who you just missed out on.

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: 2.5 years.

“Olive Garden”

Q: What were the signs in the relationship that made you realize it became unhealthy?

A: There was too much controlling; I couldn’t even hang out with my friends. I couldn’t talk to girls at all or she would get mad. It got to the point where I couldn’t even look in the direction of a girl or I was accused of checking her out.

Q: Did you ever try to convince yourself that you were overthinking that it was unhealthy?

A: Yeah I used to tell myself that it was normal. Maybe I just wasn’t used to it or something.

Q: Did the relationship ever make you feel like harming yourself and/or others?

A: It did a few times but not too often.

Q: What did you learn after leaving that relationship?

A: I learned to let go of things that weren’t making me happy, to move on and make a change in order to achieve happiness with myself.

Q: What advice would you give to someone that is in an unhealthy relationship?

A: If you really want to be with that person, try talking to them to see if things can be changed. If not, then move on. You will relieve a lot of stress and will start being happier.

Q: How long did the relationship last?

A: 4 years

 

I was both overwhelmed and overjoyed with the result of most participants administering the same advice. Participants from all over the world endured the same nature of pain, deriving from relationships that varied in length, with both men and women as their abusers. This goes to show that an unhealthy relationship could stem from anybody, no matter the circumstances.  If you, or anyone you know, could relate to any of these stories, I would like to encourage you to seek help. Confide in somebody you trust, and get away.

If you would like your story to be heard along with the others, feel free to reach out to me.

To My Unborn Child

Adrianne JaydeLeave a comment
Free-writing. Journal Entry Topic: Write a letter to someone who is no longer in your life.

I never imagined I’d feel a greater heartbreak than any heartbreak I’ve felt before, until.. you. When I found out that you were growing inside of me, my entire body was repeatedly flushed with emotions. I was terrified, and then nervous, and then excited. I secretly jumped too far into the future and had a whole list of names for you. I never had the chance to find out if you would be Madden Reign’s brother or sister, but I had a name waiting to match your face. I never thought that the day I’d meet you, you wouldn’t be meeting me. The day my eyes met yours, the bathtub did too, and so did all the parts in my body that would adhere to pain. You pushed through like a storm and I was strong enough to withstand it alone. You flushed my mind with emotions. You no longer felt what I felt. We were no longer “one”. That was the longest Sunday I had ever known. I went to see a doctor and we looked for you inside me, although I already knew you weren’t there. The doctor searched and searched and I could no longer watch. I winced at the pain from both my stomach and my heart. I sat for hours on a hospital bed in the middle of an Emergency Room, and I only thought of you. I never felt so alone. Sometimes we hear about things happening to people and we often think that it would never happen to us. I never would’ve thought that I’d lose you. In the world that I live in, you never existed. Losing you was a big part of my life being in turmoil. I almost forgot how to love. I sometimes find myself second guessing my existence. If it weren’t for your brother, I might have lost myself completely, the way I lost you. I don’t know how to bring you up in a conversation, but you are so worth mentioning. You have been the secret that was hardest to keep. You deserve so much more. I want you to know that I often think of you. Although we never had the chance to formally meet, I feel you in my dreams. I try not to blame myself for losing you. Your brother did a lot of damage inside my tummy during his growth and it was not entirely ready for you. I will admit, I am not entirely sure I was ready for you either. For that, I am truly sorry. I often wonder how much you would have grown if our timeline was mutual. Perhaps maybe when we are both ready, you will come again, and we will make it right. Maybe someday we will lock eyes and our hearts will beat in tandem.

Yours truly,

Mommy

P.S. I have a lot more to say, but no words would do my broken heart any justice. Until next time, angel.